Sunday, October 5, 2008
Insanely Faithful
So it's been a minute sinced I've last blogged. I'm working on investing in a laptop or computer that I can use at home-that's on my prayer list. Monday (Sept.29th) was truly a beaking point for me. My transmission went out in my only means of transportation, my '78 Grand Marquis. I was devasted as I struggled with getting to my part time job, not to mention taking my kids to school the upcoming week. After a failed negotiating attempt with my 'ex to use the van, my mind felt like it had been bruised, you know one of those deep tissue bruises? Not to mention my mental state was damn near on the verge of comoplete melt down.
So on Monday when I called Tina to tell her I thought I was going crazy. I literally meant it. Not the type of crazy that would hurt myself or my kids. But the type of mental state when you feel like the ceiling and all four walls are closing in on you so tightly that you can't breathe and because they are moving so slow you start to breath quick, short breaths. You momentarily forget how it felt to be happy, to be at peace, because in the right here, the right now-all the things that were stable in your life is being knocked out of order and you just don't have it in you to pray...because at that moment I felt like God wasn't listening, like He was punishing me, like He was distant b/c I wasn't seeing Him work.
It wasn't until I was at the 2nd car dealership of the day, when I made my requests boldly to God. I poured out my truth to him. The true way I felt, the true things I ached for, the true sincerity of a sinner saved by GRACE who refused to except what the world was willing to give me. It was about 2 minutes after this prayer that I was told to go out to the lot and pick the vehicle I wanted. Just as elementary as that. I thanked God for what he'd recently done in my life and also shared with Him my hurt with being in my current situation and then came my declaration. I declared my trust in Him and made my requests specific. I was sure that I would not leave the same way I came as a broken soul. It was within 2 minutes that God turned my test into a TESTIMONY.
Thank you God, for having enough faith in me that I would pass this test. I may be weary, weak, and even a lil wacky, but I'm yet still standing as an example of what God will do, when we acknowledge Him for who He is and trust that He will act in our favor.
Goodnight/morning,
Bonita Sista
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
A Job, A Calling, A Ministry
This past week has went by supa fast! I started my new job last week and as I meet with differenet social service agencies, I truly believe one of my callings is to provide some sort of support to the very clients I now serve.
My clients are people who society have given up on, or more detrimental-have given up on themselves. They are mothers, they, are daughters, they are sisters, aunties, friends who somewhere along life's path made some choices, neglecting to consider the long term consequences. They are a mirror of parts of my life.
They are also brothers, fathers, friends who for whatever reason couldn't get it together, but has now made a conscious decision to fight for survival, to fight to become self sufficient, inspite of what the latest statistics say they will do. They are a part of me.
Lastly, they are children, who when I look into their eyes-make me think of the security my children now feel when we are in our own home, eating dinner at our own table, taking baths in our own tub. They are truly our hope, our future.
This week has definitely had it's bumps and bruises, but doesn't life? In spite of the hard times I'm having, I can say to you, where I am at in my life, on this day, "is truly a beautiful thang".
My clients are people who society have given up on, or more detrimental-have given up on themselves. They are mothers, they, are daughters, they are sisters, aunties, friends who somewhere along life's path made some choices, neglecting to consider the long term consequences. They are a mirror of parts of my life.
They are also brothers, fathers, friends who for whatever reason couldn't get it together, but has now made a conscious decision to fight for survival, to fight to become self sufficient, inspite of what the latest statistics say they will do. They are a part of me.
Lastly, they are children, who when I look into their eyes-make me think of the security my children now feel when we are in our own home, eating dinner at our own table, taking baths in our own tub. They are truly our hope, our future.
This week has definitely had it's bumps and bruises, but doesn't life? In spite of the hard times I'm having, I can say to you, where I am at in my life, on this day, "is truly a beautiful thang".
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Getting To Know My Text Style (textile for the slower ones)
Has anyone else got caught up in the whirl wind of texting? Now that I've added unlimited texting I'm sure my friends, colleagues, family, and acquaintances' heads sometimes spin with the randomness of messages I send.
I hit them with anything from a saying or idea I've come up with, the latest on current news events, Scriptura, or just a good morning. I keep up with my friends' days and whatever is going on in their lives. It's a way to stay connected. If I think about it long enough-I'd say I'm slightly addicted. I guess that's somewhat oxymoronic like "kinda pregnant".
Okay, but this addiction has been used for both good and evil. Most recently the evil won out. It reminded me of how nice it is to be somewhat disconnected from some things and now, some people.
This weekend, while caught in the middle of trying to sort out the pick up of my children's furniture and figuring out who would watch them while I worked my shifts of 8p-am (sat) and 3p-11p (sun), this texting thing came in handy.
As some single custodial parents have experienced, dealing with the non-custodial parent can prove to be as trying as pulling an abcessed widsdom tooth which has broken, out of your mouth.
In the ideal world, both parents come together for the good of the child/children, but in my world, my reality has been that one or both cannot or will not put aside their own hurt, guilt, pain, shame, selfishness, basically ego to make it work.
Right you guessed it! I, once again trying to forge an allegiance with their father texted him to see if he would be willing to do one or the other, but all along banking that we would handle both.
"Why didn't she just call and ask him, what's up with texting him?"
Glad you asked! Texting him as been the main way for us to communicate because he doesn't like hearing my voice. Could he just hit delete and never read my texts? Yeah, he could, but the incessant curiousity that we humans have would not allow him to just hit delete and then began the WAR OF THE ROSES (text style).
I won't go into the sordid details (you'll have to read my novel, at the end of the day to get 'em. But I will say this much, it's interesting how powerful this texting thing can be. He called me as soon as received my first text, breaking his control of keeping his distance from me-ALTHOUGH I DID NOT AND WOULD NOT ANSWER IT. It (the texts) allowed me to say things to him that he probably wouldn't have stayed on the phone to listen to. Not that he actually heard what I was saying, but just the freedom I got from actually communicating with him, whether it be fruitful or not.
I did declare after that bout of hurling texts back and forth, that I would no longer succomb to texting as the main form of communication between the two of us. I guess that's the next topic my counselor and I will get a handle on. The Art of Communicating, sounds like a required freshman textbook from college.
I digress,
Peace.
I hit them with anything from a saying or idea I've come up with, the latest on current news events, Scriptura, or just a good morning. I keep up with my friends' days and whatever is going on in their lives. It's a way to stay connected. If I think about it long enough-I'd say I'm slightly addicted. I guess that's somewhat oxymoronic like "kinda pregnant".
Okay, but this addiction has been used for both good and evil. Most recently the evil won out. It reminded me of how nice it is to be somewhat disconnected from some things and now, some people.
This weekend, while caught in the middle of trying to sort out the pick up of my children's furniture and figuring out who would watch them while I worked my shifts of 8p-am (sat) and 3p-11p (sun), this texting thing came in handy.
As some single custodial parents have experienced, dealing with the non-custodial parent can prove to be as trying as pulling an abcessed widsdom tooth which has broken, out of your mouth.
In the ideal world, both parents come together for the good of the child/children, but in my world, my reality has been that one or both cannot or will not put aside their own hurt, guilt, pain, shame, selfishness, basically ego to make it work.
Right you guessed it! I, once again trying to forge an allegiance with their father texted him to see if he would be willing to do one or the other, but all along banking that we would handle both.
"Why didn't she just call and ask him, what's up with texting him?"
Glad you asked! Texting him as been the main way for us to communicate because he doesn't like hearing my voice. Could he just hit delete and never read my texts? Yeah, he could, but the incessant curiousity that we humans have would not allow him to just hit delete and then began the WAR OF THE ROSES (text style).
I won't go into the sordid details (you'll have to read my novel, at the end of the day to get 'em. But I will say this much, it's interesting how powerful this texting thing can be. He called me as soon as received my first text, breaking his control of keeping his distance from me-ALTHOUGH I DID NOT AND WOULD NOT ANSWER IT. It (the texts) allowed me to say things to him that he probably wouldn't have stayed on the phone to listen to. Not that he actually heard what I was saying, but just the freedom I got from actually communicating with him, whether it be fruitful or not.
I did declare after that bout of hurling texts back and forth, that I would no longer succomb to texting as the main form of communication between the two of us. I guess that's the next topic my counselor and I will get a handle on. The Art of Communicating, sounds like a required freshman textbook from college.
I digress,
Peace.
Friday, September 12, 2008
A Hard Call
Yesterday I got one of those calls that I've become accustomed to-but still hate it. I was running late, of course and then it came, "Hey, Pops has been having seizures for the past 45 minutes. The ambulance in on their way and Ma wants you to meet them at the hospital". My father is living with Alzheimer's and a sudden, agressive onset of epilepsy.
When I arrived at the ER I was directed to his room, room number seven. How ironic? I walked through the glass doors to see my father, daddy, Pops, laying under a thin white hospital sheet in a fetal position. He looked so peaceful, so unaware. I walked over to him and kissed his forehead and then quickly wiped my tear that had fallen on his cheek, for fear that I might wake him.
At that moment I cursed this condition called Alzheimer's. I hate to even verbalize it's name. It came into my life four and half years ago and has robbed me of one of my most loving, trusting, comforting relationships I have ever had. But it also taught me some life lessons' such as: tomorrow is never promised, say I love you as much as you can stand and as often as you can say it to those you really care about, take time out to share with your parent/parents-just the two of you, smile often, laugh as hard as you can for as long as you can. And most of all, it, Alzheimer's has taught me that even though my father can no longer remember some things, I can and that to help me get through that I need to remember as much as I can and cherish those memories.
Until later, remember life can be as beautiful as you make it.
Bonita Sistah
When I arrived at the ER I was directed to his room, room number seven. How ironic? I walked through the glass doors to see my father, daddy, Pops, laying under a thin white hospital sheet in a fetal position. He looked so peaceful, so unaware. I walked over to him and kissed his forehead and then quickly wiped my tear that had fallen on his cheek, for fear that I might wake him.
At that moment I cursed this condition called Alzheimer's. I hate to even verbalize it's name. It came into my life four and half years ago and has robbed me of one of my most loving, trusting, comforting relationships I have ever had. But it also taught me some life lessons' such as: tomorrow is never promised, say I love you as much as you can stand and as often as you can say it to those you really care about, take time out to share with your parent/parents-just the two of you, smile often, laugh as hard as you can for as long as you can. And most of all, it, Alzheimer's has taught me that even though my father can no longer remember some things, I can and that to help me get through that I need to remember as much as I can and cherish those memories.
Until later, remember life can be as beautiful as you make it.
Bonita Sistah
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Short & Sweet
I was running late today. I know big surprise, huh? Why is it sometimes easier to live in the madness of being "pressed for time" or more simply put, in chaos? It's what pushes me sometimes to just get it done. And after I get whatever it is done, I'm like, dang-why didn't I get the kids' clothes ready-the night before or why didn't I cook some of the dinner earlier?
I don't know, these are just some random thoughts that have been sitting on my mind most recent. Until next time....
I don't know, these are just some random thoughts that have been sitting on my mind most recent. Until next time....
Monday, September 8, 2008
The Fight of My Life Pt. 2
Good morning,
I know it's been a minute but with the uncertainty of my job situation, trying to hold down working 7 days a week, crying, being tired, depressed, not eating well, and yes the strain of maintaining a civil relationship for the sake of the children with someone who sees you as a horrible person- I'VE NEGLECTED MY BLOG, my sanity, my words, my feelings, my expressive little cove in this sea of uncertainty.
Okay it's Monday, oh yeah, oh yeah! At 10:15am I received a call offering me a job. I don't think yall understand the magnitude of what I'm saying (for real, for real!). This is an illustration of what God will do when you truly let go and let Him do His thing.
I'm sitting here crying as I type this. Don't worry, not the Oprah Winfrey "you told Harpo to beat me!" cry. But a subtle, soft, solemn sob that is a release of anxious, nervousness, reserve, humility, and most of all thankfulness.
I'm so thankful that God didn't give up on me like I've given up on myself so many times. There's been times when I've laid in bed and literally could not move because the weight of depression was so grave. I'm not sure about you, but there have been times, even as recent as this year when I've literally tossed in the towel, feeling like I wasn't worth anything, wasn't worth trying to cross that next valley, feeling like I was running in a never ending circle.
I declared a few posts back that I am now in the fight of my life. In many ways we all are. There are a lot of things we struggle with, which reminds me of that saying that, "without struggle there is no progress". After listening to the Obama speeches I came up with the following phrase, "Progress is made not given".
I leave you with this, the fight has just begun. And I am determined to fight to the end!
I know it's been a minute but with the uncertainty of my job situation, trying to hold down working 7 days a week, crying, being tired, depressed, not eating well, and yes the strain of maintaining a civil relationship for the sake of the children with someone who sees you as a horrible person- I'VE NEGLECTED MY BLOG, my sanity, my words, my feelings, my expressive little cove in this sea of uncertainty.
Okay it's Monday, oh yeah, oh yeah! At 10:15am I received a call offering me a job. I don't think yall understand the magnitude of what I'm saying (for real, for real!). This is an illustration of what God will do when you truly let go and let Him do His thing.
I'm sitting here crying as I type this. Don't worry, not the Oprah Winfrey "you told Harpo to beat me!" cry. But a subtle, soft, solemn sob that is a release of anxious, nervousness, reserve, humility, and most of all thankfulness.
I'm so thankful that God didn't give up on me like I've given up on myself so many times. There's been times when I've laid in bed and literally could not move because the weight of depression was so grave. I'm not sure about you, but there have been times, even as recent as this year when I've literally tossed in the towel, feeling like I wasn't worth anything, wasn't worth trying to cross that next valley, feeling like I was running in a never ending circle.
I declared a few posts back that I am now in the fight of my life. In many ways we all are. There are a lot of things we struggle with, which reminds me of that saying that, "without struggle there is no progress". After listening to the Obama speeches I came up with the following phrase, "Progress is made not given".
I leave you with this, the fight has just begun. And I am determined to fight to the end!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Interview Fever
First off I apologize for not blogging minute by minute of my updates. As you know last week was hellish-to say the least! But with trials come triumphs. Although I was served with my own set of papers, I was also hit with a double blessing. I have an interview scheduled for this Tuesday! WHen I say "Jesus" you say "awesome". JESUS, AWESOME, JESUS, AWESOME!
Secondly, this same agency has asked me to be their keynote speaker at their biggest fundraiser event of the year! We're talking black tie, champagne, filet mignon, crepes suzette, and a whole lot of other french titled shee shee poo poos.
Nevermind the double hitter, are you ready for the triple header? In October, I am to give a speech for the ground breaking ceremony on behalf of Project Eagle where I will meet my city's mayor, congress people, and other community leaders. Project Eagle is a family advocacy support organization in Wyandotte County, a much needed angel.
Let's tie this all together...Last week, it ended with the me down in the dumps because of my job situation. This week starts out with me and an interview!
Secondly, this same agency has asked me to be their keynote speaker at their biggest fundraiser event of the year! We're talking black tie, champagne, filet mignon, crepes suzette, and a whole lot of other french titled shee shee poo poos.
Nevermind the double hitter, are you ready for the triple header? In October, I am to give a speech for the ground breaking ceremony on behalf of Project Eagle where I will meet my city's mayor, congress people, and other community leaders. Project Eagle is a family advocacy support organization in Wyandotte County, a much needed angel.
Let's tie this all together...Last week, it ended with the me down in the dumps because of my job situation. This week starts out with me and an interview!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
FOR REAL, FOR REAL
"For real, for real" is a term that I've recently picked up. It means that whatever statement proceeds is serious stuff! So here it goes....
I just found out today, this morning whateva that my job can only be guaranteed through September 30, 2008. FOR REAL, FOR REAL!
I was a little miffed or should I say pissed when I looked at my chair and saw 2 memos layed where my butt usually rests. Cutting internet access off, turning in agency cell phones, office lines being removed from the general systems, turning the air condition off (um, excues me it's still August-at least for a few more days!)
So here it is the second day of the Fight of My Life and dayum......this was a good hit.
I just found out today, this morning whateva that my job can only be guaranteed through September 30, 2008. FOR REAL, FOR REAL!
I was a little miffed or should I say pissed when I looked at my chair and saw 2 memos layed where my butt usually rests. Cutting internet access off, turning in agency cell phones, office lines being removed from the general systems, turning the air condition off (um, excues me it's still August-at least for a few more days!)
So here it is the second day of the Fight of My Life and dayum......this was a good hit.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Fight Of My Life
I'm sitting here letting Kirk Franklin's latest CD, "The Fight Of My Life" speak to me and it is sobering to say the least. Here are some of the titles: Help Me Believe, Hide Me, How It Used to Be, Still In Love, I Like Me. Get the picture?
You know how it is once you overcome a situation in your life and you're like, "Wow, whew glad that's over". You know when you're climbing that mountain and once you make it to the top you're like "Oh my God-I made it!" Last week, when I filed my papers that's how I was. I was on a natural high like, whoa. It wasn't until my '78 Grand Marquis starting acting funky at a stoplight, like she had breathed her last breath/it wasn't until I called myself going out to have a good time and had to wake right back up to start my 7 day work week/it wasn't until the grapevine busted in my face and told me my agency that employs me may not have enough funds to continue my position in 2009/ it wasn't until all those things happened within 48 hours that I understood, Sistah-you are in the fight of your life. Now is the time to piss or get off the pot and while you're sitting there taking your sweet time, don't forget about your 4 babies who depend on your very existence.
Now I know, now the FIGHT OF MY LIFE BEGINS...
You know how it is once you overcome a situation in your life and you're like, "Wow, whew glad that's over". You know when you're climbing that mountain and once you make it to the top you're like "Oh my God-I made it!" Last week, when I filed my papers that's how I was. I was on a natural high like, whoa. It wasn't until my '78 Grand Marquis starting acting funky at a stoplight, like she had breathed her last breath/it wasn't until I called myself going out to have a good time and had to wake right back up to start my 7 day work week/it wasn't until the grapevine busted in my face and told me my agency that employs me may not have enough funds to continue my position in 2009/ it wasn't until all those things happened within 48 hours that I understood, Sistah-you are in the fight of your life. Now is the time to piss or get off the pot and while you're sitting there taking your sweet time, don't forget about your 4 babies who depend on your very existence.
Now I know, now the FIGHT OF MY LIFE BEGINS...
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I Did It.
I did it. I filed my divorce papers. Talk about a weight being lifted as I crawl to my next goal. It's been a long time, too long of a time coming. These past months have whizzed by with the quickness and now, as I have the stamped paperwork with case number and all in hand, I dread that these upcoming months will not be as forgiving.
When I left the district clerk's office, it felt like I'd broken another link from my change of dependency. I stood on the steps of the building and took perhaps the deepest breath I've ever dared and smiled to myself, "I'm not suppose to be here". I mean, by statistics, I'm not suppose to be a single, mom of four, with one full time and one part time gig, living on my own, paying my own bills, driving my own ride-but I am. I may be tired, broke, on the edge of a nervous breakdown-but I'm still here. I'm still standing (however wobbly). I'm still believing (in God) and most importantly I'm still loving (myself).
Sometimes we dare not go against the grain or choose the most difficult choice in life for fear of failure. I didn't say no to marriage-for fear I would not be successful on my own. I didn't say no to moving-for fear that I would miss out on something better. Get the picture?
It wasn't until I said no to an emotionally, financially, sexually abusive relationship that I could start saying yes to learning to love myself. It wasn't until I said no to fear that I was able to receive the blessings that God had engraved upon my life before I was humanly conceived.
I can truthfully say that I'm a testimony in that when you feel you have nothing else, you still have God and that my Beloved is all we need most often. It does feel good to have others in your corner, rallying behind goals you face, but for real-at the end of the day the single most important thing that matters is God is still God.
When I left the district clerk's office, it felt like I'd broken another link from my change of dependency. I stood on the steps of the building and took perhaps the deepest breath I've ever dared and smiled to myself, "I'm not suppose to be here". I mean, by statistics, I'm not suppose to be a single, mom of four, with one full time and one part time gig, living on my own, paying my own bills, driving my own ride-but I am. I may be tired, broke, on the edge of a nervous breakdown-but I'm still here. I'm still standing (however wobbly). I'm still believing (in God) and most importantly I'm still loving (myself).
Sometimes we dare not go against the grain or choose the most difficult choice in life for fear of failure. I didn't say no to marriage-for fear I would not be successful on my own. I didn't say no to moving-for fear that I would miss out on something better. Get the picture?
It wasn't until I said no to an emotionally, financially, sexually abusive relationship that I could start saying yes to learning to love myself. It wasn't until I said no to fear that I was able to receive the blessings that God had engraved upon my life before I was humanly conceived.
I can truthfully say that I'm a testimony in that when you feel you have nothing else, you still have God and that my Beloved is all we need most often. It does feel good to have others in your corner, rallying behind goals you face, but for real-at the end of the day the single most important thing that matters is God is still God.
Friday, February 29, 2008
I Made It-part 1
I made it! Another year and I made it! As I slide in to my 30's at full stride I'm gently closing out another chapter en mi vida (in my life). That's right, my children and I have moved out and into our own place. With the winds of freedom pushing me towards goals I'd let fall by the waist side. To feel free, free to be me, free to push life's limit without any regrets. Now that is a beautiful thing!
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