What the hell is the matter?

I feel like crying but the tears won't fall. I can literally feel them in the wells of my eyes but the damn things won't spill over. I open my mouth to scream, but the muscles just get mixed up. I have thousands of thoughts transversing through my mind-leaving me feeling mixed up. I feel empty. I feel bare. I feel broken. I want to laugh, you know genuinely until my belly aches which causes me to laugh harder. I want to be able to love again. I want to be able to live.

I'm here...

right now, wherever that is. Sometimes it's scary because I don't know where I'll end, but it sure beats being, standing still in a place that will never be familiar. It's like screaming for so long that your vocal chords become stretched to the point of no sound, leaving you disoriented. And at the end you're grasping for air that you can't catch. Wanting secretly to just pass out and maybe pass away like time that you don't keep track of. I'm here right now because this is where I'm suppose to be. Not stagnant, not moving, but being, thinking, breathing, living.

Good morning to Life

Wow, I just worked a 14 hr. shift came home slept for 5 hrs. and went back in for a 6 hr. shift. This is just a taste of what a forgotten, but far from hidden class does on a regular basis. Does anyone know the name of this "class"? You got it! It's the working poor. Millions of families in the United States have parent/parents who work more than one job. I know this is for a season that I go through this. My heart and soul goes out to those who endure this on a regular basis for a long period of time. I know throughout these past 48 hrs. I've had my highs and lows. I've tasted resentment in my dry mouth as I stretch my arms out-trying to stay coherent. I also looked contempt straight in the eye (literally when using my mirror) while trying to rub away my blood shot pupils.

Ya know what? It's time for me to rouse the kids so I can get them started with their day. Lord, grant me the strength and the courage to stumble through this day. May I allow my thoughts and heart not to be cloudy, but to allow Your Holy Spirit to direct me. Thanks God for ensuring my safe return last night because Lord knows I felt like dirivng the car off the highway if that would grant me rest.

I'll holla,
Bonita Sista

7 months later

Okay, here it goes......I started this blog with then intention to capture entering my 30's from the day I turned 30. Needless to say, that ain't happening. I completley forgot my password, let alone the email address I started this thing with...ughhhhh

So here I sit 7 months into this "30's" stage and I must say it's still a beautiful thing. There a many changes going on. I've decided that I no longer want to be married. It's hard, hardest because I'm 30, 4 kids, and a part-time job, with one hell of a writing appetite. Through all this ugliness going on the beauty of it all lies in my rediscovering or reacquainting myself with the strengths I let fall at the side of me stepping into someone I don't want to be.

I have a new love and a new passion in life. I've finally found someone who loves me for me, no bullshit added, at no additional charge. Someone who not only knows my baggage, but is willing to see me through it. Most importantly, the one person when all else fails can grab me by the collar, tell me to wake the hell up and kiss me on the lips and tell me it's going to be alright. That person is me.

Yep, and this I must say is a beautiful thang.